Age-forced changes, part 1.

One of the reasons I insisted on departing from NZ to Doo was to have the time to visit my grandparents. I’m incredibly blessed to still have all four. They live in the same city where I was born and studied at university, Dunedin. Being uncertain about how long I’d have before my visa arrives, I headed south in my first week back.

My grandparents are collectively and individually delightful. My university mates knew them as the ‘supermarket grandparents, and the ‘artist’ or affectionately, the ‘snobby’ grandparents. What a treasure to have lived in Dunedin during my uni days, getting to know my grandparents as an adult.

Mum’s parents owned the local Four Square in Mornington when I was born and when large chain supermarkets began to open in Dunedin in the mid 80s, they moved to work at New World. Grandad was a stock-man with a great attention for detail. Mum told me recently that even as his memory was deteriorating and long after he retired, he would straighten up cans on the shelves when grocery shopping. Nana was a checkout chick, and guess what? I got to be a checkout chick with her! When I was studying at university, I worked part-time at New World with her. Awesome. She knew all the permanent staff so I automatically had friends in high places when it came to the best aisle to work in……although writing that reminds me of the time when I visited her at work when I was 12 and one of the staff commented on how handsome her grandson was. Hmm.

Grandad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in the mid 90s and it was a very slow deterioration until about 2y ago. He deteriorated rapidly since then and has moved to a secure dementia home since I last visited Dunedin. Working in the health sector has exposed me to various medical and mental illnesses, the ageing process, death and many types of trauma. Everyone that works in a health or criminal area develops a way of coping with witnessing the grief and trauma of families that are not their own. I’ve known for a while that my reaction to health or emotional issues within my extended family isn’t the same as that of my family members, and it’s very easy for me to care as a professional, but not so easy to put on the family-member hat. I don’t feel as if I’m blocking the issues or disassociating from them, but I seem to limit my emotional reaction to some things that affect others dramatically.

For example, I knew that Grandad had deteriorated in his cognitive and physical function, and I expected that he would probably not recognise me. Mum and other family members warned me a number of times and were concerned about how I would cope with the shock of this change. Grandad was sound asleep when Nana and I arrived to visit at 11am. He sat in a chair in a large room with 15 others in various states of consciousness listening to golden oldies tunes on the radio. It was a warm sunny day and Nana and I spent approximately 25 minutes trying to waken him by whispering, talking, squeezing his knee (softly and then not so softly). I did manage to wake the gentleman sitting next to him so I took the opportunity to ask how I could wake Grandad. “Ask him if he wants a cuppa” was the directive. I did so, and Grandad, with his head lolled back, eyes firmly shut and mouth wide open shook his head. Trying to suppress a snorty giggle, I asked if he’d like a drink of water and he nodded, ever so slightly. I manage to dribble some water into Grandad’s mouth which he swallowed, grimaced and then looked like he was beginning to waken. Eyes still firmly closed, I asked if he could open them. The left one opened first. I couldn’t suppress my giggle this time, and he slowly opened the other. Grandad didn’t recognise me, but he made a delightful effort at nodding and making appropriate sounds when I reminded him who I was. Nana and I managed to sneak some photos with him, but he wasn’t very keen on smiling, even when I reminded him how. Such a change from the jovial gentleman I last saw 18 months ago, but still such a joy to visit with him.

Nana has been living at home on her own for the past 10 months or so. What a tragedy it is that most elderly married couples experience separation of life, and some, separation of accommodation after so many years living together. Nana fell and broke her hip a month before I arrived in Dunedin and was still recovering at my Aunt’s. Still grieving over the changes in her living situation, she’s now lost her physical independence albeit temporarily, and needs to make decisions about her long-term accommodation. A decision that she’s unequipped for and not ready to make. These are difficult decisions for her, and also terribly hard for my Mum and her two sisters who are all closely involved in supporting her. My Aunt and Uncle are doing an amazing job of caring for her in their home temporarily, but being so involved makes it difficult for them to assist her with the big decisions too. Everyone has concerns about not doing enough to assist or saying something that is hurtful or making a decision that affects others. All the while, they’re all still grieving the age-forced changes.

My professional hat comes on and without knowing the NZ system well, I can see that there are a number of options available and they each need to be discussed, trialled if possible, and the best one chosen by Nana. It’s the case manager in me that makes it simple, because it’s never that easy when the family need to do anything but talk about the options. I suggested that it might help her to consider the options if we visited some places, but Nana felt that it wouldn’t. It’s at lot easier to be pushy with clients or patients when decisions need to be made. Talking and talking and talking seems to not lead to a conclusion. But somehow, I’m missing the issues that mean the most to my family. I don’t understand how talking about the same things over and over again is helpful, but for them, it is. Despite understanding the sadness and emotion attached to all the forced change, I’m emotionally detached and I just want to solve the problem. Sounds like a description of a male!