Westerners that I spend time with here often talk about the locals needing a dose of reality, but the fact is, this is their reality, and we’ve invaded with a different reality and different history. While some of their reality is considered inhumane by the world’s standards, my friends and I frown about much of what we find frustrating upon simply due to our lack of understanding of their culture and religion, which are so intricately linked.
Until last week, I wasn’t really aware of any actions or attitudes that were cultural only, i.e. didn’t have a strong fuzzy link. My Arabic teacher gave me some insight into one aspect of her culture that she said is not at all related to fuzzy – it is common to DOO people only and I think you’ll find it as interesting as I do.
She had told me previously about how her home is separated in two halves – one for males and one for females. She and her husband live upstairs together, but when they have guests, they each entertain in the area dedicated to males/females respectively. What I hadn’t understood is that they never entertain together, and never even at the same time (for the sake of difficulties in delivering two sets of refreshments in the one house at the same time).
She has NEVER met her husband’s male friends, and he has NEVER met any of her female friends, although they do talk to one another about their friends. Neither one has any friends of the opposite sex. The only interaction they have with one another as a married couple is when they are in their home together alone, and occasionally at family gatherings, but more often than not, they only attend separately i.e. her to her family, and him to his.
I asked her about whether they do anything together outside of the home, and she said that they go shopping together, but if one of them sees a friend, the other disappears to allow the friends to catch up. I asked if she would meet his friends when she was veiled, which is when she explained that while she can under fuzzy laws, it is not a fuzzy issue – it’s cultural that they don’t mix. She said it’s a cultural feature in most of the Gulf countries.
I just can’t get my head around this. I asked her if she understood how our marriages and relationships work, and she does, so found my utter surprise understandable, if not a little amusing. What are your thoughts? Can you imagine this? How do you think it would make your friendships different to ours? What about your relationship to your spouse?
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hi kaes
ReplyDeletei am reading this sitting in kolkata missing R terribly and wondering what on earth i am doing!! Maybe having a little - what seems to be distance in a relationship could be helpful for times of seperation! Is love ever discussed? my as you point out western values say that if a couple can't be truely open ie sharing all of their life with each other then love becomes difficult. Having just had quite the opp experience here in Kolkata, i walked through the middle of the median a very large field on sunday the day of cricket with over 50 odd games being played by men/boys all opening gawking wolf whistling and laughing and pointing with their friends, had to have a wee chuckle good that i provide amusement and all totally harmless, a few encouraged me to play managed to have a bowl for one team chatted to many about the great game.
Totally admire what can only be a very strong inner strength and deep deep desire to do what you are doing, you are a tower of strength to me in what are some pretty difficult times of adjustment, not helped by 2 days pretty much by myself, 2 other volunteers haven't arrived yet and constant asking myself why and counting down weeks. Started planning journey back last night before sleep - what time i would get taxi to airport!! I know this will change but for now as i suspect you have/are experiencing times of total lonliness. Staying at a church based hostel at service this am and this providing lots of solace. Lots of love xxx